I made a tumbr.

http://peasandashleys.tumblr.com/

Things I wish I could say.

I remember everything about you.

I remember every time we kissed.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I replay the moments in my head.

Constantly

Thinking.

Hoping.

Wishing.

Praying.

That you'll kiss me again.

I spend hours thinking about the way you look at me.

I spend days thinking about the twinkle in your eye,

I spend years thinking about your smile before you'd pull me close.

I remember everything about you.

Every.

Little.

Thing.

"Friends"

If you can't stay friends with someone because of who they are or are not with then you weren't really a friend of mine in the first place. I wasn't aware that we were still in high school.

Do they make maps for this?

I don't know where I'm going anymore. I wish I had a map. Or GPS.

I can't believe

I can't believe that I didn't see you before you left. I feel terrible. All over some stupid reason and the word "no". Driving out there today made me realize that, and talking to you didn't help. I having you around, talking to you all the time. You were always good to me, and I didn't return the favor.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Joel : "I walked out the door, there's no memory left."

Clementine : "Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one."

[Joel comes back]

Clementine : "Bye Joel."

Joel : "I love you."

Clementine : "Meet me in Montauk."

Love Will Fuck Us Apart.

You and me go together like carrots and peas.

We should be a happy family.

Or a traveling travesty at least.

And love will fuck us up.

Love will fuck us up.

Breathe in deep.

Breathe as deeply as you can breathe.

Breathe deep till you're drunk with glee.

Breathe deep till you're drunk with glee.

And love will fuck us up.

Love will fuck us up.

No Mo' Local Music.

I'm recently upset by the fact that all of the good local bands aren't around anymore. We used to have so many good ones. I'm really upset by this. What about Baron Von Bear, Band Marino, Concept Cars and the Heathens.

Now all we have is stupid "hard core" bands. Fuuuuuuuck.

I am leaving Orlando at the end of these last two semesters. I am filing out my applications to FSU, UF and UNF this week.

I'm done.

It's sad, so so sad.

It's sad that it ended this way.

It's sad that you won't let me be.

It's sad you feel the need to make me angry.

It's sad that i don't know what I'm doing anymore.

It's sad that I'm still grateful for one out of four.

I CANT TRUST ANYONE IN THIS TOWN.

Public Service Announcement

If you have to obtain your taste in one or more of the following from other people, you are in turn NOT original. (nor your own person for that matter) :

1. guys: this includes taking guys, taste in guys from other people.

2. music: if you change your musical taste based on the people you hang out with that day.

3. friends: having friends only for the idea of name dropping or 'knowing everyone in a place'.

disclaimer- just because you're friends with someone on myspace/facebook does not mean you know them, are friends with them, or that they know who you are.

4. clothing: if you wear things that other people wear with you're around them, congrats. i.e. band shirts around people who wear band shirts, or shows where said shirts will be warn.

5. your personality: if you're a 'badass' around 'hardcore' kids, if you're a drunk when downtown, ect. anything that isn't really your personality, but more so just something you put on to feel wanted in a certain place.

5. every single other thing that makes up your personality that isn't on this list that you change around certain people - mannerisms, slang words, personal choices.

..and - end rant.

Drama

Drama, Drama, Drama.

Sometimes

I don't know what to do without her. I don't know what to do without my best friend. I've known her longer than anyone else. She's had always been there for me, and I for her. I feel so disconnected with myself without her. We said we'd always be friends, and we aren't. I don't know what to do sometimes.

Little things get to me. Things I find out that I wish she would tell me. Even though we don't talk anymore. I just wish. I wish she was here. I wish I was there. I wish we were still friends. I don't know what to do right now.

Five years.. Closer to six now. I can't do this anymore. But I don't know how to fix this.

I am all about this movie.

Although I don't think I would have taken a child to it. It was a very good movie for older people. I thought it was beautifully put together, and the story was touching. It discussed many topics that were hard on children, that many other movies don't touch. I loved it. Spike Jonze, you are a good man.

OH YEH

AND YOU ANNOY THE THE SHIT OUT OF ME TOO, YOU IMMATURE, SELFISH, CRAZY FUCKING BITCH. AS IF THE CAPITAL LETTERS WEREN'T ENOUGH, I CANT THINK OF ANY OTHER WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. GODFUCKINGDAMMNIT.

So, I know

that I can't hate you forever. But somehow I still try to. I suppose you never really did anything. Considering I'm mad about what someone else did, how someone else felt - yet I take it out on you. Punish you. For some reason. Recently I've thought a lot about telling you that I appologize for what I've done, that I've been acting irrationally for some time now. But somehow I can't bring myself to, and it's bothered me for a while now. I know you're never really going to be gone. At least not for a little while. And I don't know if you even should.

I wish I could just step outside myself for a little while. But I can't. And I can't change who I am, and what I've been through. Maybe I'm just scared, upset, worried, crazy, irrational. But either way, I'm me. And I guess this is just something I need to accept every once and a while.

Why do I

procrastinate so much?! I have so much work to do.

Also, it is a bad idea to drink an energy drink at 10 p.m.. I fear I will be up all night. If only I had something interesting to blog about to waste time. But that would mean my life was interesting. *sigh*

I've come to realize

I have way, way, too much stuff in my room.

Also that I am extremely lazy, unmotivated and behind in many aspects of my life. UGH.

School so far

really, really, really sucks. I have so much work to do in the next few days.

1. intermediate algebra - chapter one math homework. five sections, at least 30 problems each. all online.

2. drawing - draw two boxes with charcoal on my huge 24 x 36 drawing pad.

3. greek and roman humanities - read the first chapter.

4. environmental science - watch "the earth is fine" by George Carlin (which is awesome) then write a paper about it (not awesome.)

COLLEGE = ANNOYING. FML.

So far,

I have $100 dollars saved for The Fest. I think I'm going to need a hundred more. Good thing I've got until October.

First day of school today. Nothing terribly exciting. I have Drawing I and Greek & Roman Humanities. Tomorrow is my retard math class - Intermediate Algebra and Environmental Science.

I have to go to Sam Flax today to buy: black and grey charcoal, a 24 x 34 news print pad, willow charcoal and a few other things for drawing. I also get to see Dylan today, which is always something I look forward to.

My mom's uncle, or my grandmother's brother, my great uncle - (whichever you want to call him) Charles passed away last night. I only met him once when I was eight, but from what I can remember he was a very good man. My grandmother was very close to him, as he was her older brother and she was the second oldest so they were both expected to take care of the younger children. I hope my grandmother, as well as her other siblings and the rest of the family, are okay today. I love them all very much, and hope they are doing well. Or as well as one could be with conditions such as these.

I am suddenly

very excited for this. I mean they sing into telephones for god sakes.

Dylan's first day of school is today. So now I have nothing to do, until next week when I start school. FML.

Recently,

I've watched two really great documentaries on two really amazing writers. My two favorite, in fact. Thank you Orange County Public Library System for making this all possible.
I also took out Persepolis and Coffee & Cigarettes. I'm sure I'll watch those in the coming days.

My trip to Georgia was alright. My step sister got arrested the night before I arrived for underage drinking at a party she was at. So my arrival was overshadowed by her misfortune, making my trip rather boring. The date for the Buddy Walk was announced while I was there though, which is exciting. I most plan on going this year, possibly with Dylan. I've missed it the past few years because of arguments and resentment towards my father - but the Buddy Walk isn't about him, it's about Victoria and all the other beautiful children with downs syndrome. I love my baby sister more than most things, and most definitely more than I hate my father.

And spending so much time with Victoria this weekend made me see that I really do want to be an Elementary School art teacher. I can't think of something I'd like more than that. I love kids so much, and I feel the same way about creating art - so the combination of the two sounds amazing.

Also, it is final now that I am indeed going to be attending The Fest 8 this year. I am so very happy about this. I already have $60 for the ticket put away, and another $20 for the hotel room. I need to keep collecting until October though to pay for the rest of the room, gas, food, ect. I'm not sure if Dylan or anyone else who said they're going actually will be able to go in the end. But I hope everything works out. I'd die if I missed This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb and Defiance, Ohio again. I'd absolutely die.

Why is

every Elvis movie so awesome?! I don't know how he does it. Or did it, I suppose.

"Clambake" just ended and now it's time for "It Happened At The World's Fair." Although I haven't seen this movie, I can only imagine that it is awesome. I love Elvis.

But I do not love being at my father's house and not doing anything. I guess it's a nice change from running around the town center with Victoria wearing binoculars and cowboy hats looking for animals.

Georgia,

tomorrow. Joy.

I'm pretty sure,

that i will be attending The Fest this year. I like that.

I over react.

We over react.
They over react.
He over reacts.
She over reacts.
It over reacts.

There will come a day,

When our cells won't regenerateand .
Everyone you know will rot away, rot away.
Your friends and enemies and all your family.
We will all be buried in the ground, in the ground.
So make the most of it, life's too short to fuck with.
Once an hour a day I get very sad.
Once an hour a day I get depressed.
When that hour is over I start to feel okay because I'm reminded I'll rot away, rot away.
I don't have much time to hang out here and cry and though that may feel nice.
I can't do that everyday.




Last night: I had been looking forward to it, and it turned out to be just what I needed.